I've been thinking a lot about what kids need from their parents in order to be successful human beings. On Mother's Day, our pastor shared four basic human needs, and showed how Jesus modeled how to meet these needs in the story of the demon possessed man in Mark 5. I love his list, because it is exactly these four things that our children need from us in order to grow up into successful people (what success is will have to be the topic of another post).
As you read this list, think about how you are good at meeting these needs for your kids, and also where you need improvement.
1. Kids need acceptance. I have written about this before. Acceptance is a frame of mind. It requires mom and dad to see their child for who they really are--faults and failings, misbehaviors and mean words--and still like them. Yes, we all love our kids, but I'll be the first to admit there are times when I don't like them. There are many times when my kids can exhibit such ugly behavior I have to wonder what I did wrong, or as bad as it sounds, what's wrong with them. And it's in those times that I must learn to like them, despite who they are being at the moment.
2. Kids' need understanding. Understanding comes only through relationship. So often in our fast-paced world we get caught up in other things and don't have the time or make the effort to really understand our kids. So many times, my son will reach out and hit my daughter, and even before he has a chance to explain himself, I punish him. He seeks understanding, and that can only come through dialogue. I have found as my children grow older (they are 4 and almost 3), they need more and more of this. They need me to validate their feelings. To tell them I get what they are saying, I see their side of the story and I value their opinions. Parents, children need guidance, but not control. Children are people (albeit little people), but people all the same, and they need us to show them respect and have the decency to attempt to understand their perspective.
3. Kids need compassion. People aren't perfect. So often when another adult hurts us, we can just turn away, carry that pain in our hearts, but never deal with the person again. Not so with our children. Your children will hurt you. And they need your compassion. Almost every time my children are angry and frustrated they will scream at me how they don't love me anymore. It's hurtful, and it doesn't go unpunished. But, at the same time, they need compassion. They need someone to believe in them no matter what their faults and failings are. I have to be that person for them, because in the real world, people will just walk away. But not me. I will be the one person (and my husband too), who will stand by them and believe in them no matter how they act or who they turn out to be. I will be the one who really does care. Have compassion on them--they, like all of us, are still learning.
4. Last, kids need encouragement. A self aware child will notice his faults and failings, and if he is not encouraged by loving adults around him, he can begin to feel like a failure. My son especially needs a lot of encouragement. Used to be that I couldn't accept who he was. He was too shy--painfully shy--he wouldn't talk to new people. He sees that in himself, that awkwardness that comes with him meeting new people and making friends. He is easily frustrated. If he doesn't get something right the first time, he is quick to say that he will never get it right. He needs me to encourage him. He needs someone who really does believe in him.
My kids need me. It's an overwhelming thought at times, how much they depend on me to get things right. How much they count on me. I only have one chance to parent them successfully. Every day I learn something new--either I've done well, or I've failed them. I want to do well. I want to accept who they are so that the other things will follow. For how can I truly encourage or understand them if I don't accept them for who they are? How about you? With which of these four needs do you struggle with most??
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Acceptance and Respect
Kids need our acceptance and our respect. This may at first seem like a really obvious thing to say, but I've been thinking more about it lately, and I think that actually a lot of times we don't give our children the acceptance and respect that they need to grow up into healthy adults.
Actually, we are talking about two very important and very different things that our children need from us: acceptance and respect. Acceptance is shown in our ability to show love (notice I did not say to love, but to show love) to them no matter how they act. Respect is shown in how we communicate and interact with them on a daily basis. These two things, though very different work hand in hand. Our acceptance of our children is shown in how we respect them in every situation.
We all know that children a gift from God (or if you don't believe in God, you at least admit that children are a precious gift, wherever they come from). And we all know that children can be and are taxing, patience-trying, exhausting, attitude-filled little people. It's definitely not easy to accept children for who they are. And it's even more difficult to respect them in the midst of the challenges we face as adults and as parents in every day life. No one is debating this. It's obvious. But, even though all this is true, it still stands that children need our acceptance and respect.
Let's tackle acceptance first. I think some of my readers might be wondering why we are even talking about this; of course children need our acceptance. Many of us probably think that we accept our children just fine thanks, and that this post is a waste of time. I'm out to prove that wrong, I think. And then I want to talk about how to improve our child-accepting skills.
Here are some examples of times when I find is especially hard to accept my kids: Remember, acceptance is shown in our ability to show love to our children in all circumstances; showing love is conveyed to our child not only through our words, but through out actions as well.
When I'm among my peers: There's something about being with other moms that can make it very difficult to accept who your child is. We moms like to get together and brag about our kids. We talk about when they first started talking, walking, pottying in the toilet, running, climbing, using a spoon, sleeping through the night, you name it. And when someone else's kid is doing something you really wish your kid could do, it's very easy to say, do or even just think something negative about your child. Even the simple thought, "I wish my kid was like her kid" or "I wish my kid would hurry up and do xyz" is a sign that you are not accepting your child for who he or she is. Even if you can control these thoughts from being spoken aloud, I can guarantee that they will creep out in the form of disrespect. I'll talk more about this later.
When I'm with my kids and their peers: When my kids are the only ones at toddler time who won't participate in Ring Around the Rosie, I struggle with truly accepting them. When my eldest is so shy he won't even look his teacher in the eye or say hello, I struggle. It's not that I say something negative to him, but I struggle in my thought life. I think, "Why does he have to be so shy??" or "I sure hope he grows out of this". And I may relay the story to my husband and my son may overhear. Parents, we really need to learn to accept our children 100 percent of the time. They can pick up on our subtle rejections of who they are.
When they are acting their age: This is a big one for some people. I actually don't have as much of a hard time with this one, but I thought I would include it because some people do really struggle with this one. When my two year old wants to put her shoes on herself, but I know it will take an extra ten minutes and I'll still have to help her, I struggle. When my three year old plays with his food rather than eating it, I struggle. When they ask constant questions, I struggle. But, my kids are just being themselves. They are just acting 2 and 3. And instead of struggling, I want to get to the place where I can embrace the stage they are at right now.
When they are being naughty: This is a big one for me. I get lots of compliments on how wonderfully behaved my kids are. I get so many comments that I have come to expect them to be good. I have come to believe that they are good. But that just isn't the case. Without getting into any theology, suffice it to say that people aren't good. All people do bad things, and I need to accept that my kid is just as naughty as anyone else's. And that I shouldn't reject them just because they are naughty.
So, let's talk about how to show acceptance. The best way to understand how to show our acceptance of our children is to understand what it means to reject them. Rejecting them means having negative thoughts about them. Rejecting them means saying negative things about them, whether to them or to others. Rejecting them means using negative body language (including eye rolling or sighing). Rejection seems like a really strong word; I doubt any of us would admit to rejecting our child. But think about it...if rejection is the opposite of acceptance, then what are you doing when you aren't fully accepting your child?
Now on to respect. Respect is the avenue with which we show acceptance of our child. I read once that a man desires not love from his wife, but respect. Well, what's the difference? Respect means that you are proud of your spouse and you want everyone to know it. Respect means you won't say a negative thing about him to someone else. True respect means you won't even think bad things about your spouse, or if you do happen to think them, you feel contrite. It's the same for a child. A child needs your acceptance in order to accept himself. His self confidence is built by your acceptance of him. He looks to you as the guide for how to view himself. We show our child that we accept him or her by respecting him or her. Well, what does this look like? Let's look at those examples again.
When I am with my peers: I show acceptance through respecting who my child is. I say only positive things about him both in his presence and when he is not there. This doesn't mean I lie or gloss over. It means I convey his struggles as struggles and not faults or problems with the core of who he is. It means I speak as if I am okay with who my child is, even if who he is isn't perfect. It also means that I am okay with who my child is, even if he isn't perfect. I reign in my thought life when I am with my peers. I do not wish he was like anyone else's child. (I'll be the first to admit this is very hard for me to do).
When I am with my child and his or her peers: I do not force my child to participate in games or play with other children. I do not say negative things to him or others when he refuses to play. I do not act embarrassed or even get embarrassed that he is the way he is. I encourage, but I do not coerce. I do not make excuses for my child. He is who he is. If he is shy, immature, or developmentally delayed, I do not use that as an excuse for how he is acting.
When he is acting his age: I exercise my patience. I let him do things that I know he can't do, or that I know he can't do well. I do not yell, I do not hurry. I allow him to be who he is as a 2 or 3 year old. I do not wish these years away. I do not look to hurry past this difficult stage. I do not compare.
When he is acting naughty: I take a deep breath. I remember that he is a precious gift from God. I pray for patience. I try to see his side of things. In all discipline I do, I show him respect by valuing his opinion, giving him a chance to speak and I spend time listening and trying to understand his point of view.
This post is full of the things I have only just begun to learn...the lessons of my recent life as a mom. I still believe that parents need to discipline and guide and encourage their children to be good people. I still believe that children should not be given total freedom. But children are humans too. And they are valuable, priceless people. They need our acceptance, and they deserve our respect. These things go hand in hand, and we can't truly have one without the other.
Actually, we are talking about two very important and very different things that our children need from us: acceptance and respect. Acceptance is shown in our ability to show love (notice I did not say to love, but to show love) to them no matter how they act. Respect is shown in how we communicate and interact with them on a daily basis. These two things, though very different work hand in hand. Our acceptance of our children is shown in how we respect them in every situation.
We all know that children a gift from God (or if you don't believe in God, you at least admit that children are a precious gift, wherever they come from). And we all know that children can be and are taxing, patience-trying, exhausting, attitude-filled little people. It's definitely not easy to accept children for who they are. And it's even more difficult to respect them in the midst of the challenges we face as adults and as parents in every day life. No one is debating this. It's obvious. But, even though all this is true, it still stands that children need our acceptance and respect.
Let's tackle acceptance first. I think some of my readers might be wondering why we are even talking about this; of course children need our acceptance. Many of us probably think that we accept our children just fine thanks, and that this post is a waste of time. I'm out to prove that wrong, I think. And then I want to talk about how to improve our child-accepting skills.
Here are some examples of times when I find is especially hard to accept my kids: Remember, acceptance is shown in our ability to show love to our children in all circumstances; showing love is conveyed to our child not only through our words, but through out actions as well.
When I'm among my peers: There's something about being with other moms that can make it very difficult to accept who your child is. We moms like to get together and brag about our kids. We talk about when they first started talking, walking, pottying in the toilet, running, climbing, using a spoon, sleeping through the night, you name it. And when someone else's kid is doing something you really wish your kid could do, it's very easy to say, do or even just think something negative about your child. Even the simple thought, "I wish my kid was like her kid" or "I wish my kid would hurry up and do xyz" is a sign that you are not accepting your child for who he or she is. Even if you can control these thoughts from being spoken aloud, I can guarantee that they will creep out in the form of disrespect. I'll talk more about this later.
When I'm with my kids and their peers: When my kids are the only ones at toddler time who won't participate in Ring Around the Rosie, I struggle with truly accepting them. When my eldest is so shy he won't even look his teacher in the eye or say hello, I struggle. It's not that I say something negative to him, but I struggle in my thought life. I think, "Why does he have to be so shy??" or "I sure hope he grows out of this". And I may relay the story to my husband and my son may overhear. Parents, we really need to learn to accept our children 100 percent of the time. They can pick up on our subtle rejections of who they are.
When they are acting their age: This is a big one for some people. I actually don't have as much of a hard time with this one, but I thought I would include it because some people do really struggle with this one. When my two year old wants to put her shoes on herself, but I know it will take an extra ten minutes and I'll still have to help her, I struggle. When my three year old plays with his food rather than eating it, I struggle. When they ask constant questions, I struggle. But, my kids are just being themselves. They are just acting 2 and 3. And instead of struggling, I want to get to the place where I can embrace the stage they are at right now.
When they are being naughty: This is a big one for me. I get lots of compliments on how wonderfully behaved my kids are. I get so many comments that I have come to expect them to be good. I have come to believe that they are good. But that just isn't the case. Without getting into any theology, suffice it to say that people aren't good. All people do bad things, and I need to accept that my kid is just as naughty as anyone else's. And that I shouldn't reject them just because they are naughty.
So, let's talk about how to show acceptance. The best way to understand how to show our acceptance of our children is to understand what it means to reject them. Rejecting them means having negative thoughts about them. Rejecting them means saying negative things about them, whether to them or to others. Rejecting them means using negative body language (including eye rolling or sighing). Rejection seems like a really strong word; I doubt any of us would admit to rejecting our child. But think about it...if rejection is the opposite of acceptance, then what are you doing when you aren't fully accepting your child?
Now on to respect. Respect is the avenue with which we show acceptance of our child. I read once that a man desires not love from his wife, but respect. Well, what's the difference? Respect means that you are proud of your spouse and you want everyone to know it. Respect means you won't say a negative thing about him to someone else. True respect means you won't even think bad things about your spouse, or if you do happen to think them, you feel contrite. It's the same for a child. A child needs your acceptance in order to accept himself. His self confidence is built by your acceptance of him. He looks to you as the guide for how to view himself. We show our child that we accept him or her by respecting him or her. Well, what does this look like? Let's look at those examples again.
When I am with my peers: I show acceptance through respecting who my child is. I say only positive things about him both in his presence and when he is not there. This doesn't mean I lie or gloss over. It means I convey his struggles as struggles and not faults or problems with the core of who he is. It means I speak as if I am okay with who my child is, even if who he is isn't perfect. It also means that I am okay with who my child is, even if he isn't perfect. I reign in my thought life when I am with my peers. I do not wish he was like anyone else's child. (I'll be the first to admit this is very hard for me to do).
When I am with my child and his or her peers: I do not force my child to participate in games or play with other children. I do not say negative things to him or others when he refuses to play. I do not act embarrassed or even get embarrassed that he is the way he is. I encourage, but I do not coerce. I do not make excuses for my child. He is who he is. If he is shy, immature, or developmentally delayed, I do not use that as an excuse for how he is acting.
When he is acting his age: I exercise my patience. I let him do things that I know he can't do, or that I know he can't do well. I do not yell, I do not hurry. I allow him to be who he is as a 2 or 3 year old. I do not wish these years away. I do not look to hurry past this difficult stage. I do not compare.
When he is acting naughty: I take a deep breath. I remember that he is a precious gift from God. I pray for patience. I try to see his side of things. In all discipline I do, I show him respect by valuing his opinion, giving him a chance to speak and I spend time listening and trying to understand his point of view.
This post is full of the things I have only just begun to learn...the lessons of my recent life as a mom. I still believe that parents need to discipline and guide and encourage their children to be good people. I still believe that children should not be given total freedom. But children are humans too. And they are valuable, priceless people. They need our acceptance, and they deserve our respect. These things go hand in hand, and we can't truly have one without the other.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Controlling Your Kids
Ha! I knew that title would get your attention! But it's true--you hear that all the time when there's an unruly child about. "Why can't the parents just control their kid!?!" Used to be that I thought parenting was about control. That's why I'd get so nervous about taking them out in public or spending copious amounts of time away from home with them...the environment couldn't be controlled, and to me, that meant I couldn't control my kid as well as I could at home. But over time I realized that the notion of controlling another human being is not only impossible, it's immoral.
Yes, I said it. It's immoral to try and control your kid. While it may be only philosophically (and not actually) that we can mull over this concept, given that it's impossible to control them anyway, it's still important to grasp this one point. You can't control your child anyway, but if you could, it would be immoral to do so. Why? Well, because control implies force. And human beings should not be forced to do anything that they don't want to do. Humans are not animals or objects to be owned and used without consent. Humans are given the inherent right to choose. And true control does not allow such a right.
Now, as my regular readers know, I don't condone (and in fact, can't stand) when parents don't lead their children. I firmly believe that children need guidance and direction. Parents should try to influence their child to do good and to be good. That is our job as parents. You can look back at my other blogs for a longer explanation on the whys of why I believe parents should guide their children. But exerting influence and trying to control are two totally different things.
Many parents are so anti-control that they see influence as synonymous with control. This is just not the case. When my two year old says she needs to use the restroom and then refuses to sit on the potty, she is in control. But it's my job to influence her to use the potty before she wets her pants. How I do this isn't by bribing or coercion. It's by exerting my authority over her as her mom. Children need to be taught the way of life. She doesn't realize that if she doesn't use the potty she will end up with wet pants. It's my job to teach her that by influencing her actions. Now I can't control whether she actually goes potty in the potty, but I can get her to use the potty and at least try.
When my three year old bites his sister because she was playing with a toy he wanted, he is in control. But it's my job to influence him to be a better person, to use his words. Animals bite when they are angry; humans do not. Humans must treat others with respect and value simply because they are humans. I must use my influence over him as his mom to teach him this crucial life lesson. If I don't, how will he learn it?
The word influence shouldn't be considered a bad thing. Think about it--many parents hope their little one will grow up to be a leader, one who will exert influence over others. This is seen as a positive trait--at least in our society. So why is it that it has a negative connotation when we talk about parents influencing their children? Influence doesn't mean anything more than leading. It certainly doesn't imply control. And children need to be led. Enforcing rules and setting boundaries are just tools that parents use to influence (or lead) their children. It doesn't mean we are controlling them.
So be happy, you can lead your children, you can be an influential person in their lives, you can teach them right from wrong, you can set boundaries, you can discipline them, you can exert parental authority over them, and you can do all this and still not control them. And not just because controlling them is impossible. ;)
Yes, I said it. It's immoral to try and control your kid. While it may be only philosophically (and not actually) that we can mull over this concept, given that it's impossible to control them anyway, it's still important to grasp this one point. You can't control your child anyway, but if you could, it would be immoral to do so. Why? Well, because control implies force. And human beings should not be forced to do anything that they don't want to do. Humans are not animals or objects to be owned and used without consent. Humans are given the inherent right to choose. And true control does not allow such a right.
Now, as my regular readers know, I don't condone (and in fact, can't stand) when parents don't lead their children. I firmly believe that children need guidance and direction. Parents should try to influence their child to do good and to be good. That is our job as parents. You can look back at my other blogs for a longer explanation on the whys of why I believe parents should guide their children. But exerting influence and trying to control are two totally different things.
Many parents are so anti-control that they see influence as synonymous with control. This is just not the case. When my two year old says she needs to use the restroom and then refuses to sit on the potty, she is in control. But it's my job to influence her to use the potty before she wets her pants. How I do this isn't by bribing or coercion. It's by exerting my authority over her as her mom. Children need to be taught the way of life. She doesn't realize that if she doesn't use the potty she will end up with wet pants. It's my job to teach her that by influencing her actions. Now I can't control whether she actually goes potty in the potty, but I can get her to use the potty and at least try.
When my three year old bites his sister because she was playing with a toy he wanted, he is in control. But it's my job to influence him to be a better person, to use his words. Animals bite when they are angry; humans do not. Humans must treat others with respect and value simply because they are humans. I must use my influence over him as his mom to teach him this crucial life lesson. If I don't, how will he learn it?
The word influence shouldn't be considered a bad thing. Think about it--many parents hope their little one will grow up to be a leader, one who will exert influence over others. This is seen as a positive trait--at least in our society. So why is it that it has a negative connotation when we talk about parents influencing their children? Influence doesn't mean anything more than leading. It certainly doesn't imply control. And children need to be led. Enforcing rules and setting boundaries are just tools that parents use to influence (or lead) their children. It doesn't mean we are controlling them.
So be happy, you can lead your children, you can be an influential person in their lives, you can teach them right from wrong, you can set boundaries, you can discipline them, you can exert parental authority over them, and you can do all this and still not control them. And not just because controlling them is impossible. ;)
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Stop Saying "Stop It"
Have you ever noticed that when your children are misbehaving and you just tell them to stop, they never listen? I have, and I've given this alot of thought.
Here's an example: I am on home bed rest right now due to a pre term labor scare. My dear, dear husband is juggling his full time job, school, and now the house and kids too. The other night I was sitting bed while he was preparing them their dinner. I could tell they were misbehaving, because ever other word out of my husband's mouth was "Stop it! Just stop it". And they wouldn't listen. Why? Let's look at some reasons.
1. First, saying "stop it" alone isn't specific enough. My question is always, "stop what"? And that's probably what my kids are thinking too. In addition to asking them to stop, tell them what they are to stop doing, and give them a reason why. Having them repeat back to you what they are not supposed to do and what they are supposed to do is even better.
2. Second, saying "stop it" alone doesn't tell them what to do instead. Kids need guidance. Left to their own devices, they will surely continue misbehaving. If you must say "stop it", follow it up with a command of what you would like them to do. For example, on this particular night, my kids were sitting at the dinner table while my husband prepared their dinner. They kept pushing the table back and forth to one another and then complaining about the other pushing the table. (Ironic, right??) A better response than just plain old "stop it" would have been, "Kids, you need to stop pushing the table and place your hands in your lap until dinner". Telling the child not only what you don't want, but also what you want, will make things infinitely easier on everyone.
3. Idle hands breed mischief. It's true. Whenever possible, avoid downtime. There is of course, much value in teaching your children to wait, but that is only valuable if it is within their ability (based on age and maturity) to wait. A 2 and 3 year old cannot be expected to sit silently at the table and wait for their dinner for 20 plus minutes. Without something to keep them occupied, they will get into trouble (even if you tell them to fold their hands and wait, this can't be expected for as long as 20 minutes). So give them something to do. Either, don't call them for dinner until it's close to dinner time, or give them something to work on while waiting. A coloring project, craft or play dough. Anything to keep them busy and out of mischief.
Bottom line: Clear instructions and expections are of utter importance in teaching your child to listen and obey. Saying only a vague (even if it is firm), "stop it" will not be clear enough to your child and will more than likely not curb their misbehavior. Saying "stop it" alone is not only ineffective, it can be extremely frustrating for parents as well.
Here's an example: I am on home bed rest right now due to a pre term labor scare. My dear, dear husband is juggling his full time job, school, and now the house and kids too. The other night I was sitting bed while he was preparing them their dinner. I could tell they were misbehaving, because ever other word out of my husband's mouth was "Stop it! Just stop it". And they wouldn't listen. Why? Let's look at some reasons.
1. First, saying "stop it" alone isn't specific enough. My question is always, "stop what"? And that's probably what my kids are thinking too. In addition to asking them to stop, tell them what they are to stop doing, and give them a reason why. Having them repeat back to you what they are not supposed to do and what they are supposed to do is even better.
2. Second, saying "stop it" alone doesn't tell them what to do instead. Kids need guidance. Left to their own devices, they will surely continue misbehaving. If you must say "stop it", follow it up with a command of what you would like them to do. For example, on this particular night, my kids were sitting at the dinner table while my husband prepared their dinner. They kept pushing the table back and forth to one another and then complaining about the other pushing the table. (Ironic, right??) A better response than just plain old "stop it" would have been, "Kids, you need to stop pushing the table and place your hands in your lap until dinner". Telling the child not only what you don't want, but also what you want, will make things infinitely easier on everyone.
3. Idle hands breed mischief. It's true. Whenever possible, avoid downtime. There is of course, much value in teaching your children to wait, but that is only valuable if it is within their ability (based on age and maturity) to wait. A 2 and 3 year old cannot be expected to sit silently at the table and wait for their dinner for 20 plus minutes. Without something to keep them occupied, they will get into trouble (even if you tell them to fold their hands and wait, this can't be expected for as long as 20 minutes). So give them something to do. Either, don't call them for dinner until it's close to dinner time, or give them something to work on while waiting. A coloring project, craft or play dough. Anything to keep them busy and out of mischief.
Bottom line: Clear instructions and expections are of utter importance in teaching your child to listen and obey. Saying only a vague (even if it is firm), "stop it" will not be clear enough to your child and will more than likely not curb their misbehavior. Saying "stop it" alone is not only ineffective, it can be extremely frustrating for parents as well.
Saying "Sorry" and "I Forgive You"
Let's face it. We all make mistakes. We all treat people wrong. And every once in a while, we all need to say, "I'm sorry".
The time for "I'm sorry" came for my almost four year old just today. He was at my mom's house playing with a younger cousin, and took a toy from his cousin. My husband told him to give it back and say that he was sorry, and my son threw a big fit about it. He refused, absolutely refused, to say the simple words of reconciliation, "I'm sorry". Instead, he began to cry, throw a fit and in general embarrass himself because he didn't want to utter the simple words.
Because of this, my husband took him home and he had to go to his room. Eventually, he would have to apologize, but this gave him some time to cool down and ready himself for the big event. (I should mention that his cousin is only 20 months and doesn't have a clue what sorry means yet, but that didn't change the need for my son to say those words. Bottom line, it was a learning experience for my son).
Why is it so hard for some people to apologize? I don't know, but I will say that it's an important life skill, and not one that I would recommend letting slide if your child struggles with it. Being able to say "I'm sorry" (not to mention "I forgive you") is so important and will affect a person's ability to make and keep friends throughout life.
As a young child I was much like my son. I hated, and I mean hated saying that I was sorry. I was such a good kid in other aspects (or so my parents say), that I think my parents just felt like if this was the only thing I struggled with, they'd let it go. But never learning the art of saying "I'm sorry" has stayed with me into adulthood. Even in the early years of my marriage my husband was always the one to say sorry first. And even when I know that I should be saying those words, it is so difficult for me to do so because I was never taught to say them. I don't think I ever learn the importance of those words until I started to teach my own children how to use them.
Saying sorry should never be a burden; it should be a relief. A way to make amends. A way to show other people that you aren't perfect, but that you are willing to admit it and move on. Parents should take this into consideration when they have a child who hates saying I'm sorry. It's a life skill, and one that parents need to help their child understand and embrace.
Saying "I forgive you" is equally important in our house. And, believe it or not, it also stems from my experiences with the words as a child. In addition to always feeling someone else should apologize first, I also found it very difficult to forgive people. I was never made to say "I forgive you", but I find that with my own children it is a very freeing experience for them both. The one saying sorry has affirmation that they are forgiven, and the one saying they forgive has a chance to let the past go.
My children are only 2 and 3. I hope by the time they are adults this value will be such a natural part of who they are that the words will flow freely and gladly from their lips. Not that they wouldn't be sincere, but that they would never struggle to say such important words to the ones they love.
The time for "I'm sorry" came for my almost four year old just today. He was at my mom's house playing with a younger cousin, and took a toy from his cousin. My husband told him to give it back and say that he was sorry, and my son threw a big fit about it. He refused, absolutely refused, to say the simple words of reconciliation, "I'm sorry". Instead, he began to cry, throw a fit and in general embarrass himself because he didn't want to utter the simple words.
Because of this, my husband took him home and he had to go to his room. Eventually, he would have to apologize, but this gave him some time to cool down and ready himself for the big event. (I should mention that his cousin is only 20 months and doesn't have a clue what sorry means yet, but that didn't change the need for my son to say those words. Bottom line, it was a learning experience for my son).
Why is it so hard for some people to apologize? I don't know, but I will say that it's an important life skill, and not one that I would recommend letting slide if your child struggles with it. Being able to say "I'm sorry" (not to mention "I forgive you") is so important and will affect a person's ability to make and keep friends throughout life.
As a young child I was much like my son. I hated, and I mean hated saying that I was sorry. I was such a good kid in other aspects (or so my parents say), that I think my parents just felt like if this was the only thing I struggled with, they'd let it go. But never learning the art of saying "I'm sorry" has stayed with me into adulthood. Even in the early years of my marriage my husband was always the one to say sorry first. And even when I know that I should be saying those words, it is so difficult for me to do so because I was never taught to say them. I don't think I ever learn the importance of those words until I started to teach my own children how to use them.
Saying sorry should never be a burden; it should be a relief. A way to make amends. A way to show other people that you aren't perfect, but that you are willing to admit it and move on. Parents should take this into consideration when they have a child who hates saying I'm sorry. It's a life skill, and one that parents need to help their child understand and embrace.
Saying "I forgive you" is equally important in our house. And, believe it or not, it also stems from my experiences with the words as a child. In addition to always feeling someone else should apologize first, I also found it very difficult to forgive people. I was never made to say "I forgive you", but I find that with my own children it is a very freeing experience for them both. The one saying sorry has affirmation that they are forgiven, and the one saying they forgive has a chance to let the past go.
My children are only 2 and 3. I hope by the time they are adults this value will be such a natural part of who they are that the words will flow freely and gladly from their lips. Not that they wouldn't be sincere, but that they would never struggle to say such important words to the ones they love.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
On Non-Crucial Issues--Let Your Yes be Yes and Your No be No
This is something I've touched on before, but I'd like to bring it up again in more detail. I'm talking about being consistent. I've written alot of about the importance of being consistent with your child, making rules and sticking to them, following through on punishments, and making sure your discipline techniques and rules line up with your values. I don't want to bring that up again. What I'd like to do is to talk about the more every day, non-crucial decisions that we make as parents. And why I'd like to talk about this is because in my house, my husband and I have come to a head on this point--he feels that he has the right to change his mind about a decision he has made, and I feel that even if the issue is non-crucial, he should stick to what he has told the children and not change his mind.
This post isn't about proving my husband wrong--he is certainly entitled to his opinion, and how we work things out as a couple is a topic of another post; this post is about expressing why I feel it is so important to remain consistent with your children even on non-crucial decisions.
Some of you may not fully understand what I am referring to. I gave an example in a previous post about a mother taking her son to the grocery store. The mother tells the son that he needs to sit in the cart (as opposed to a stroller or just walking). The child then asks if he may sit in the stroller. Though the mom doesn't really care where he sits or stands, she has already given him an instruction, and so I believe that she needs to follow through. I believe that though she doesn't care where he sits for the trip, she needs to require that he sit in the cart because that is what she originally told him to do.
Well, why, you ask, is it so important for her to maintain her position if it's a non-crucial issue to her? Doesn't she have the right to change her mind? The child wasn't whining or complaining, he was just asking, right? I'll tell you why.
We must only expect from our children what they are capable of doing. This doesn't mean that we shouldn't expect anything from them, and then let them surprise us when they show that they can obey--exactly the opposite, we should have high expectations for them because most children are a lot smarter and are capable of a lot more things than parents tend to give them credit for. But, we must only have expectations within the limits of their abilities. And, in my opinion, a child cannot distinguish between a non-crucial instruction and a crucial instruction, at least not a very young toddler or preschooler, which is where I draw my experience from.
This is important, so I'll repeat it. A child cannot distinguish between a non-crucial instruction and a crucial one.
Now, no parent would deny that it's important for a child not to question a crucial instruction from a parent. Instructions like don't touch that piece of glass, hold my hand in the street and don't jump on the couch, you might hit your head, are all crucial instructions. And no parent wants their child to question these instructions. Obedience is needed, and the sooner the better. Whether a parent requires first time obedience is the topic of another post altogether, but suffice it to say that I think most, if not all parents at least desire first time obedience on crucial requests.
A non-crucial instruction is a different thing altogether. Here's an example. This evening my kids asked to play with some playdough. We got the dough out for them, but told them that we weren't getting out all the playdough toys that go with it because it gets too messy and we only had a short while to play. They were to play with the dough just using their hands to mold and shape it. Both children were fine with it. Then, a few minutes later, my husband begins to hand out playdough toys to the children. No, nothing exploded because he changed his mind. Seemingly, nothing at all happened except that he changed his mind and decided to let them have playdough toys after all.
But let me point this out. One thing did happen when he changed his mind. The kids learned that no doesn't always mean no. Sometimes no means dad will change his mind. Sometimes no means yes. And I'm willing to bet that if this pattern continues (of going back on non-crucial instructions), the children will quickly develop the habit of questioning any and all parental instruction, especially that which comes from the parent who continually changes his mind on non-crucial decisions. This means more work for the parent and more confusion for the child. The child will begin to question instructions (it's too hard to pick up these toys, I don't want to go to my room, why can't I get the blocks out now?, I don't want to hold your hand, etc), and the parent will begin to repeat himself or herself more times than they have the patience for. Tempers will flare because the child isn't listening the first time and is questioning instructions, and both the parent and the child will leave frustrated and confused about what is happening.
Going back to my first point--children cannot distinguish between crucial and non-crucial instructions. So, it follows that if a parent continually changes their mind about non-crucial decisions in regard to the children the children will begin to question his decision making concerning all instructions--crucial and non-crucial, because they can't distinuguish which instructions are important and which can be questioned. This is key to understand because if a child is questioning your instructions, there is potential for the child's safety to be in danger.
A child who is not taught the importance of first time obedience in all situations is a child who is taught to question parental authority. And because children cannot distinguish between crucial and non-crucial instructions, the child is then placed in a position where he feels he can and should question a parent's instruction. After all, dad changed his mind about the playdough or the stroller vs. the cart or whatever else. Why not ask and see if he'll change his mind about running in the parking lot or smacking the sliding glass door with the pool table ball? Or better yet, why not just go ahead and do anything I want and see if dad gives up or continues to tell me no?
Do you see how making a habit of changing your mind on non-crucial issues leads you down a slippery slope of questioning parental authority and ultimately placing the child in danger?
If a child could easily and readily distinguish between crucial and non-crucial instructions then really, there would be no issue with changing your mind on these insignificant decisions. But, since that just isn't the case, it's important to keep in mind what you are saying before you say it.
So, what can a parent do? Well, my best suggestion is to think before you say things, or if the question requires an immediate response, give a non-committal response. What I mean is, if a child asks you if they can have graham crackers and milk for snack that afternoon and you know they had that just yesterday and don't really want to give it to them again, but at the same time don't really care what they eat for snack, why not just say, "We'll see. I'll let you know at snack time?" Rather than telling them no, and then at snack time changing your mind, isn't it so much better to just delay the answer if you have to? If you give an instruction thoughtlessly, then stick to it. If you really don't care either way, then what does it matter if you stick to your original decision? The kids aren't going to care or notice that they didn't get graham crackers and milk for snack, but they will notice if you tell them no and then change your mind (or say yes and then change your mind for that matter, which goes back to my post concerning freedom).
My best advice is just always think before you give an instruction or say no. Not just because changing you mind leads them to question your authority, but also so that you are not giving needless instructions or putting needless limits on them. In the example of the stroller vs. the cart, I gave the suggestion in a previous post that to avoid changing your mind, offer a choice to the child. "You may sit in the stroller or the cart, which do you want?" That way, you are not backing down on an instruction, but at the same time you aren't having to make a firm decision on a non-crucial issue.
Again, though this post was birthed in my mind because of a disagreement between myself and my husband on this issue, it in no way is a response to him or a way to prove him wrong. I simply was reminded that this was topic I wanted to address with my readers. I can't say it any more simply than this: let your yes be yes and your no be no--whether on a crucial issue or a non-crucial issue.
This post isn't about proving my husband wrong--he is certainly entitled to his opinion, and how we work things out as a couple is a topic of another post; this post is about expressing why I feel it is so important to remain consistent with your children even on non-crucial decisions.
Some of you may not fully understand what I am referring to. I gave an example in a previous post about a mother taking her son to the grocery store. The mother tells the son that he needs to sit in the cart (as opposed to a stroller or just walking). The child then asks if he may sit in the stroller. Though the mom doesn't really care where he sits or stands, she has already given him an instruction, and so I believe that she needs to follow through. I believe that though she doesn't care where he sits for the trip, she needs to require that he sit in the cart because that is what she originally told him to do.
Well, why, you ask, is it so important for her to maintain her position if it's a non-crucial issue to her? Doesn't she have the right to change her mind? The child wasn't whining or complaining, he was just asking, right? I'll tell you why.
We must only expect from our children what they are capable of doing. This doesn't mean that we shouldn't expect anything from them, and then let them surprise us when they show that they can obey--exactly the opposite, we should have high expectations for them because most children are a lot smarter and are capable of a lot more things than parents tend to give them credit for. But, we must only have expectations within the limits of their abilities. And, in my opinion, a child cannot distinguish between a non-crucial instruction and a crucial instruction, at least not a very young toddler or preschooler, which is where I draw my experience from.
This is important, so I'll repeat it. A child cannot distinguish between a non-crucial instruction and a crucial one.
Now, no parent would deny that it's important for a child not to question a crucial instruction from a parent. Instructions like don't touch that piece of glass, hold my hand in the street and don't jump on the couch, you might hit your head, are all crucial instructions. And no parent wants their child to question these instructions. Obedience is needed, and the sooner the better. Whether a parent requires first time obedience is the topic of another post altogether, but suffice it to say that I think most, if not all parents at least desire first time obedience on crucial requests.
A non-crucial instruction is a different thing altogether. Here's an example. This evening my kids asked to play with some playdough. We got the dough out for them, but told them that we weren't getting out all the playdough toys that go with it because it gets too messy and we only had a short while to play. They were to play with the dough just using their hands to mold and shape it. Both children were fine with it. Then, a few minutes later, my husband begins to hand out playdough toys to the children. No, nothing exploded because he changed his mind. Seemingly, nothing at all happened except that he changed his mind and decided to let them have playdough toys after all.
But let me point this out. One thing did happen when he changed his mind. The kids learned that no doesn't always mean no. Sometimes no means dad will change his mind. Sometimes no means yes. And I'm willing to bet that if this pattern continues (of going back on non-crucial instructions), the children will quickly develop the habit of questioning any and all parental instruction, especially that which comes from the parent who continually changes his mind on non-crucial decisions. This means more work for the parent and more confusion for the child. The child will begin to question instructions (it's too hard to pick up these toys, I don't want to go to my room, why can't I get the blocks out now?, I don't want to hold your hand, etc), and the parent will begin to repeat himself or herself more times than they have the patience for. Tempers will flare because the child isn't listening the first time and is questioning instructions, and both the parent and the child will leave frustrated and confused about what is happening.
Going back to my first point--children cannot distinguish between crucial and non-crucial instructions. So, it follows that if a parent continually changes their mind about non-crucial decisions in regard to the children the children will begin to question his decision making concerning all instructions--crucial and non-crucial, because they can't distinuguish which instructions are important and which can be questioned. This is key to understand because if a child is questioning your instructions, there is potential for the child's safety to be in danger.
A child who is not taught the importance of first time obedience in all situations is a child who is taught to question parental authority. And because children cannot distinguish between crucial and non-crucial instructions, the child is then placed in a position where he feels he can and should question a parent's instruction. After all, dad changed his mind about the playdough or the stroller vs. the cart or whatever else. Why not ask and see if he'll change his mind about running in the parking lot or smacking the sliding glass door with the pool table ball? Or better yet, why not just go ahead and do anything I want and see if dad gives up or continues to tell me no?
Do you see how making a habit of changing your mind on non-crucial issues leads you down a slippery slope of questioning parental authority and ultimately placing the child in danger?
If a child could easily and readily distinguish between crucial and non-crucial instructions then really, there would be no issue with changing your mind on these insignificant decisions. But, since that just isn't the case, it's important to keep in mind what you are saying before you say it.
So, what can a parent do? Well, my best suggestion is to think before you say things, or if the question requires an immediate response, give a non-committal response. What I mean is, if a child asks you if they can have graham crackers and milk for snack that afternoon and you know they had that just yesterday and don't really want to give it to them again, but at the same time don't really care what they eat for snack, why not just say, "We'll see. I'll let you know at snack time?" Rather than telling them no, and then at snack time changing your mind, isn't it so much better to just delay the answer if you have to? If you give an instruction thoughtlessly, then stick to it. If you really don't care either way, then what does it matter if you stick to your original decision? The kids aren't going to care or notice that they didn't get graham crackers and milk for snack, but they will notice if you tell them no and then change your mind (or say yes and then change your mind for that matter, which goes back to my post concerning freedom).
My best advice is just always think before you give an instruction or say no. Not just because changing you mind leads them to question your authority, but also so that you are not giving needless instructions or putting needless limits on them. In the example of the stroller vs. the cart, I gave the suggestion in a previous post that to avoid changing your mind, offer a choice to the child. "You may sit in the stroller or the cart, which do you want?" That way, you are not backing down on an instruction, but at the same time you aren't having to make a firm decision on a non-crucial issue.
Again, though this post was birthed in my mind because of a disagreement between myself and my husband on this issue, it in no way is a response to him or a way to prove him wrong. I simply was reminded that this was topic I wanted to address with my readers. I can't say it any more simply than this: let your yes be yes and your no be no--whether on a crucial issue or a non-crucial issue.
Don't Give Up Just Yet
Parenting is about learning. Learning is about changing. And change requires a willing vessel. I remember when I first had my son, almost 4 years ago. He was beautiful, he was perfect. He could do no wrong in my eyes. And yet, I, being a new and inexperienced mother (this was before the days of Internet research and baby book buying in my home), knew nothing about how to take care of him. I remember desperately trying to breastfeed him, tears running down both our faces. I remember giving up and giving him a bottle, tears streaming down my face again as I realized that he wouldn't take it, and I irrationally thought he'd starve.
The weeks and months went by, and I learned. I learned what he needed and what I had to do. And I changed. As he got older, I became more confident in my ability to take care of him. When he was old enough that he actually needed disciplined, the same process happened again. I felt lost and confused. I didn't know how to teach him how to act rightly. But again, I learned, and I grew more confident.
Along the parenting path you will climb mountains and you will walk on flat ground and you will slide down slippery slopes. There will be times when you feel confident as a parent. There will be times when you feel like there is nothing you can do to teach your child to obey, to listen or to be a good person. And there will be times when no matter what you do, your child will not obey, listen or act like a good person. Be prepared. These times are coming.
If you will listen to only one thing I say, let it be this: no matter what the path of parenting brings your way, don't give up just yet.
I am going through a rough patch right now in my path of parenting. My 2 year old daughter is potty training. Not so bad, you say. Every parent has to do it. And it's true. This is not a challenge unique to me. But that doesn't make it any easier. My daughter is young to potty train--she's been day trained a month and a half, and she is only 27 months old. That means she started training right after her second birthday. Since I am hugely pregnant right now, my plan was to have her wait until after I was done being pregnant, more around 2 and a half, which is when my son trained (he did wonderfully). But she had other ideas. She started noticing she was wet as soon as she went. She refused to sit in a wet diaper (even a trickle) for more than a second. Then she started wanting on the potty. Now she is convinced she is ready to train for naps and nighttime. But, she's not. She wakes up every time she is wet, but not before she wets. This leads to short naps with many interruptions and sleepless nights with her insisting (at 11pm, 3am, and 6 am) that she has to go potty and then refusing to go. She is also going through some separation anxiety at bedtime now and nothing can soothe her.
As a mom, I've never had to face something so perplexing, so challenging and so trying to my patience. Sure, it's not the most crucial life impacting issue I've ever had to face. It doesn't change her character, she isn't being defiant, and it's not a reflection on me as a mom. It's just a normal part of her growing up. But it's happened before she was ready, and that's making the road long and full of bumps.
Each day presents the same challenge over and over again. She isn't quite ready, so she doesn't understand how to stay dry and night. But she more cognizant of a wet diaper than a baby, and so she also won't tolerate just being wet at night. She gets very disappointed in herself when she awakens only to realize she's had an accident. Her emotions run high all day long and into the night. Each day I fight that frustrated "when will this end" feeling and I try to understand what she is going through. How this is much harder on her than it is on me, though it doesn't feel that way most of the time. And I learn. Learning requires change, and change requires a willing vessel. Learning isn't easy, not for me and not for my daughter. But in the end, we'll both be happier and more confidnet people because of it.
The weeks and months went by, and I learned. I learned what he needed and what I had to do. And I changed. As he got older, I became more confident in my ability to take care of him. When he was old enough that he actually needed disciplined, the same process happened again. I felt lost and confused. I didn't know how to teach him how to act rightly. But again, I learned, and I grew more confident.
Along the parenting path you will climb mountains and you will walk on flat ground and you will slide down slippery slopes. There will be times when you feel confident as a parent. There will be times when you feel like there is nothing you can do to teach your child to obey, to listen or to be a good person. And there will be times when no matter what you do, your child will not obey, listen or act like a good person. Be prepared. These times are coming.
If you will listen to only one thing I say, let it be this: no matter what the path of parenting brings your way, don't give up just yet.
I am going through a rough patch right now in my path of parenting. My 2 year old daughter is potty training. Not so bad, you say. Every parent has to do it. And it's true. This is not a challenge unique to me. But that doesn't make it any easier. My daughter is young to potty train--she's been day trained a month and a half, and she is only 27 months old. That means she started training right after her second birthday. Since I am hugely pregnant right now, my plan was to have her wait until after I was done being pregnant, more around 2 and a half, which is when my son trained (he did wonderfully). But she had other ideas. She started noticing she was wet as soon as she went. She refused to sit in a wet diaper (even a trickle) for more than a second. Then she started wanting on the potty. Now she is convinced she is ready to train for naps and nighttime. But, she's not. She wakes up every time she is wet, but not before she wets. This leads to short naps with many interruptions and sleepless nights with her insisting (at 11pm, 3am, and 6 am) that she has to go potty and then refusing to go. She is also going through some separation anxiety at bedtime now and nothing can soothe her.
As a mom, I've never had to face something so perplexing, so challenging and so trying to my patience. Sure, it's not the most crucial life impacting issue I've ever had to face. It doesn't change her character, she isn't being defiant, and it's not a reflection on me as a mom. It's just a normal part of her growing up. But it's happened before she was ready, and that's making the road long and full of bumps.
Each day presents the same challenge over and over again. She isn't quite ready, so she doesn't understand how to stay dry and night. But she more cognizant of a wet diaper than a baby, and so she also won't tolerate just being wet at night. She gets very disappointed in herself when she awakens only to realize she's had an accident. Her emotions run high all day long and into the night. Each day I fight that frustrated "when will this end" feeling and I try to understand what she is going through. How this is much harder on her than it is on me, though it doesn't feel that way most of the time. And I learn. Learning requires change, and change requires a willing vessel. Learning isn't easy, not for me and not for my daughter. But in the end, we'll both be happier and more confidnet people because of it.
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