What Kids Need

I've been thinking a lot about what kids need from their parents in order to be successful human beings. On Mother's Day, our pastor shared four basic human needs, and showed how Jesus modeled how to meet these needs in the story of the demon possessed man in Mark 5. I love his list, because it is exactly these four things that our children need from us in order to grow up into successful people (what success is will have to be the topic of another post).

As you read this list, think about how you are good at meeting these needs for your kids, and also where you need improvement.

1. Kids need acceptance. I have written about this before. Acceptance is a frame of mind. It requires mom and dad to see their child for who they really are--faults and failings, misbehaviors and mean words--and still like them. Yes, we all love our kids, but I'll be the first to admit there are times when I don't like them. There are many times when my kids can exhibit such ugly behavior I have to wonder what I did wrong, or as bad as it sounds, what's wrong with them. And it's in those times that I must learn to like them, despite who they are being at the moment.

2. Kids' need understanding. Understanding comes only through relationship. So often in our fast-paced world we get caught up in other things and don't have the time or make the effort to really understand our kids. So many times, my son will reach out and hit my daughter, and even before he has a chance to explain himself, I punish him. He seeks understanding, and that can only come through dialogue. I have found as my children grow older (they are 4 and almost 3), they need more and more of this. They need me to validate their feelings. To tell them I get what they are saying, I see their side of the story and I value their opinions. Parents, children need guidance, but not control. Children are people (albeit little people), but people all the same, and they need us to show them respect and have the decency to attempt to understand their perspective.

3. Kids need compassion. People aren't perfect. So often when another adult hurts us, we can just turn away, carry that pain in our hearts, but never deal with the person again. Not so with our children. Your children will hurt you. And they need your compassion. Almost every time my children are angry and frustrated they will scream at me how they don't love me anymore. It's hurtful, and it doesn't go unpunished. But, at the same time, they need compassion. They need someone to believe in them no matter what their faults and failings are. I have to be that person for them, because in the real world, people will just walk away. But not me. I will be the one person (and my husband too), who will stand by them and believe in them no matter how they act or who they turn out to be. I will be the one who really does care. Have compassion on them--they, like all of us, are still learning.

4. Last, kids need encouragement. A self aware child will notice his faults and failings, and if he is not encouraged by loving adults around him, he can begin to feel like a failure. My son especially needs a lot of encouragement. Used to be that I couldn't accept who he was. He was too shy--painfully shy--he wouldn't talk to new people. He sees that in himself, that awkwardness that comes with him meeting new people and making friends. He is easily frustrated. If he doesn't get something right the first time, he is quick to say that he will never get it right. He needs me to encourage him. He needs someone who really does believe in him.

My kids need me. It's an overwhelming thought at times, how much they depend on me to get things right. How much they count on me. I only have one chance to parent them successfully. Every day I learn something new--either I've done well, or I've failed them. I want to do well. I want to accept who they are so that the other things will follow. For how can I truly encourage or understand them if I don't accept them for who they are? How about you? With which of these four needs do you struggle with most??